Sex ed starts at birth. Here are lessons by age group

I never set out to be an expert in youth sex education. Despite having no prior experience with teens, or a formal education degree, I knew that as an adult sex educator, I could talk about sexuality in a stigma-free way. I also recognized that this was crucial work that needed to be done. Sitting through our weekly workshops in The Youth Sexpert Program, I get a real glimpse into the conversations teenagers are actually having about sex. Meanwhile, in conversations with parents, I often see just how wide the gap is between what many think their children know and need, and the truth.

When it comes to age groups I do not work with directly, I have learned the most through our parent education events. What started as a way to try to bring parents into the conversation about comprehensive sex ed, therefore making our program more approachable, became an education of my own. Through working alongside sex educators who specialize in various stages of sex education, from puberty to menstruation, and even early childhood, I’ve gained a fuller picture of what the work should look like, even before the teenage years I now understand so well.  

When experts insist that sex ed should begin at birth, by no means are they suggesting you explain partnered sex to a newborn. Instead, they mean that many wait until adolescence or adulthood to introduce concepts like consent and anatomy. This risks creating a sex-negative environment, which can affect people later in life.

In truth, “the talk” should actually be a series of ongoing discussions, building up trust and a sense of safety over the course of your child’s life. The following should provide some guidance on when to start these conversations, but they should be continuous, and include more detail and nuance as children age. Regardless of how old your children may be, the best time to start is now, even if you are not able to follow this guide to a tee. 

Babies and Toddlers

Honest & accurate anatomy

A simple way to introduce correct body language is by narrating diaper changes. By using accurate terminology while changing (vulva, penis, etc.), and continuing to avoid pet names as children age, we can empower young people with the understanding of their bodies and mitigate them feeling ashamed later on. This can also include teaching about other bodies—some people have vulvas, some have penises.

Elementary School: Self Pleasure

Many are surprised to learn that self stimulation regularly begins in children around age 2, and peaks in childhood around age 5. Parents may notice their children self stimulating and discourage it altogether, or may assume that a child bouncing up and down or rubbing their body on something is just them being rowdy. Instead of insisting that it is wrong, view it as an opportunity to teach the concept of privacy. There are a number of acts (using the bathroom and washing your body after a certain age, for example) that are meant to be done in private, this is just another one.

Consent, boundaries and rejection

Consent is not just about sex. It is important to be able to give and receive a “no” in a number of contexts. Young folks may be able to practice boundary setting when it comes to physical affection with relatives, and what they do or don’t want to eat.

Puberty

Likely because of a number of environmental factors, puberty is beginning earlier and earlier in children, and can now be anticipated to begin as young as eight years old. Regardless of if your child has begun puberty, being proactive is especially important with this topic. Young people should be prepared for the ways their body might change (menstruation, body odor, growth, weight gain, body hair, acne, the development of secondary sex characteristics like breasts and Adam's apples), because everyone experiences puberty.

Reproduction

Ah, the dreaded question, “where do babies come from?” An age appropriate way to answer this question may be something along the lines of “babies are grown in a part of the body called the uterus, and leave through the birth canal/vagina”, but if you want to explain what sex is, you should feel empowered to do so!

Middle School

Dating

Young people may begin to navigate what sex and dating will mean to them. Though this is a very individual journey, it’s greatly influenced by the things they absorb from their environment and media. This is a great opportunity to not only share your own views, but also the importance of healthy relationships and markers of abuse.

Porn literacy and cyber safety

Porn literacy is a type of media literacy. We know things that happen in books and movies are often not real, and often try to portray specific messages. The same is true for pornography. The best shot at a young person developing healthy porn consumption habits comes from providing them with the knowledge that porn is not necessarily a depiction of real sex, and there can be messages mainstream porn perpetuates that we may not morally align with. 

Whatever tech usage or social media rules may exist in your home, now is the time to share why they exist. Collaborate with your child in coming up with an ongoing plan for if they ever come across sexual material that affects them negatively.

Pregnancy prevention

Most young people will likely not need an in depth explanation of all of the methods of birth control until a bit later in life. Hormonal birth control though, like consent, may come up in more contexts than just sex. Young people with irregular periods may incorporate hormonal birth control into their health plans, for example. It is good for children at this age to know that there are ways to prevent pregnancy whenever they do become sexually active. 

Sexual health

It is good for young folks to know that STIs exist, as well as other non-sexual infections like yeast infections, bacterial vaginosis, and urinary tract infections. This is a means of being best able to advocate for their health. Sexual health may also include conversations about hygiene, especially considering that misleading marketing tactics can make young people with vulvas believe they need to use chemically scented products that can worsen infections instead.

Teenagers

At The Youth Sexpert Program, our team approached sex education for teenagers in a bit of an unconventional way. Rather than focus on topics adults tend to feel more comfortable discussing with teens, we asked ourselves, “what would we have wanted to know at that age?” The answer was just about everything. And the research supports us, teenagers who receive comprehensive sex education are actually more likely to make their sexual debut later on. When we gate-keep information about sex, we can unintentionally contribute to young people’s curiosity. Curiosity without education leads to adverse outcomes like unwanted pregnancy, or STIs. Not so fun fact: nearly half of all young people will have had an STI by the age of 24. 

If you want, go ahead and take a page out of our book. Here is a list of topics that The Youth Sexpert Program covers in our 12 week semester with students aged 14-18.

The personal:

• Sexual anatomy

• Orgasm

• Self pleasure

• Birth control

• Emergency contraception

• Abortion

• Porn literacy

The interpersonal:

• Consent

• Sexual health

• Queerness

• Ethical non-monogamy

• Kink and fetish

Sex and society:

• Sex worker rights around the world

• Racial fetishism, sexual racism, racist disparities in sexual healthcare

• Sex and disability

• Body acceptance and fat liberation