Sex magic: The science of pleasure

Did you know that pleasure and play can change the way you think? In the world of sexual wellness, there is a concept known as “sex magic.” Sex magic is when a person uses the power of pleasure and erotic energy to manifest and create the life they want. If you are into the embodied “woo” of it all, then no need to read further – go grab your crystals and start masturbating to the thought of yourself accomplishing something that you desire (repeat as much as you want!). If you are more of a skeptic (or just like to learn), read along to explore the science of pleasure and play and how it can transform your (sex) life. Spoiler alert: Science is magical! 

As a therapist who is always doing my own therapy work, one of the most effective ways I have found healing is through play and pleasure. For me, pleasure has been a way to increase my self-esteem, confidence, connections, and curiosity; it has been a key to learning about myself. This belief stems from my real lived clinical and personal experiences, but it is also backed by science. Unfortunately, many of us have forgotten how to play and do not prioritize pleasure. So many of the clients I work with have been taught that play and pleasure are unimportant, trivial, not productive, immature, or only for folks who have earned it. This couldn’t be further from the truth. TLDR: pleasure is a human right and a survival necessity. Not that you are entitled to pleasure from people in a sexual way, but that without pleasure and play (sexual or not), it is near impossible to be a human.

The Science of Play 

Although play is often associated with children and childhood development, it is something that is necessary, possible, and powerful at all stages of life. But what exactly is play? According to The Minnesota Children’s Museum Power of Play Research Summary, “play is pleasurable; intrinsically motivated… done simply for the satisfaction the behavior itself brings; process oriented [where] the means are more important than the ends; freely chosen… spontaneous and voluntary; actively engaged; and involves non literal make-believe.” 

Play in childhood is essential for things like cognitive development, social skill building, emotional regulation, imagination and creativity, exploration, and problem solving. It turns out though that play and pleasure are actually necessary and beneficial for the animal kingdom at all stages of life. 

According to Dr. Stuart Brown in his book Play, even small infusions of play are beneficial for our overall productivity and happiness. He says that play has actually become a biological drive and that when “play is denied over the long term, our mood darkens. We lose our sense of optimism and we become anhedonic, or incapable of feeling sustained pleasure.” 

Stanford’s Dr. Andrew Huberman often touts the “power of play,” as play and pleasure have been shown to have a myriad of health benefits. Research shows that play can help with aspects such as flexibility- exploring new ways of being and doing. Play can also aid in more creative and dynamic thinking and some research also shows that it can help with focus as well as self-regulation, especially for folks with ADHD.   

When we play or engage in pleasurable activities, our body produces neurochemicals such as endorphins, oxytocin, serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine, and gaba, all of which can support and enhance physiological, mental, and relational health. These also help with neuroplasticity, aka the brain’s ability to flexibly change and adapt to new scenarios and life changes – essential things for survival. According to Dr. Huberman, play is the “portal to plasticity for every stage of life.”

Research by Dr. Price and Dr. Duman explore that issues with neuroplasticity are connected to “chronic stress and depressive- like behaviors” as well as struggles with “adaptive functioning.” Since play and pleasure can enhance neuroplasticity, then we can also use play and pleasure as a way to emphasize the thought patterns and behavioral changes that we want. 

Sex Science Magic

Are you ready to do that “sex [science] magic” now? Try pairing an affirmation with something pleasurable that you do with your body; keep your affirmation present focused and concise (i.e. I am successful; I am hot; I am lovable; I am safe)… abracadabra, science!!

If we aren’t able to move in and out of states of playfulness or pleasure, we may get stuck in high stress states or survival mode. This can lead to feelings such as burnout, anxiety, and exhaustion and have a big impact on our ability to experience empathy and connection with others. Play and pleasure are possible when we feel safe enough, when we aren’t in survival mode. On the flip side, having a play or pleasure practice can help us feel safer and beget more playfulness and more pleasure. When we are able to access and practice states of pleasure and play, we can be more resilient, regulated, and socially engaged. Play and pleasure are essential to our survival, not merely rewards that we get to have if and when we feel that we deserve them. TLDR: Play and pleasure are tools for healing, not just rewards for a job well done!​

How do I start playing again?!

One way to play as adults is with sexuality and eroticism. So how do we apply the concepts of play to sexual/ erotic pleasure? 

“Play is pleasurable; intrinsically motivated… done simply for the satisfaction the behavior itself brings.”  When it comes to sexual play, it needs to be consensual with pleasure as the measure. Start by making a pleasure menu of things that have been or that you imagine could be pleasurable to you. Hint, it doesn’t have to fit into the stereotypical definition of what sex is “supposed to be.” It could be dancing, baths, massages, music, a decadent dessert… Try to focus on things that don’t necessarily have a goal other than enjoyment. The good news is that as long as it is consensual, there are not too many ways to play “incorrectly” since play is all about curiosity, exploring, and learning. 

Play is “process oriented [where] the means are more important than the ends. ” Practice removing your concrete goal-oriented mindset (i.e. “I must have an orgasm”). Many of the sexual struggles that I see in my practice are a result of the performance pressure that folks put on themselves. They focus on how they feel sex should be and look like (i.e. a hard penis and an orgasm). Instead, imagine what it would look like to prioritize the process (i.e. connection, playfulness, curiosity). One way to start practicing this is through body mapping. Try this playful exercise: pretend you are in extraterrestrial on a first visit to Earth newly inhabiting this body. Explore your body from head to toe, like you are touching it for the first time. See what kinds of touch your body likes: like what pressure, speed, locations, textures; or what textures or temperatures you prefer. Props are encouraged. If you are feeling nervous or overwhelmed, try starting with a part of your body that feels more neutral (even if it is just your head or your fingertips).    

Play is “actively engaged.”  Play and pleasure are practices. If you are not making time to engage with them, they may not happen very often. Especially in a relationship, this looks like actively collaborating to make pleasure a priority. If you are struggling to do this, let’s explore what is getting in the way. Try journaling about this: What were you taught about play and pleasure when you were growing up? Many of us grew up in a culture that did not prioritize pleasure or play, at least not as adults. If you grew up in a capitalist society, then you have probably been conditioned to prioritize productivity over pleasure. The good news is, neuroplasticity is possible; you can change your relationship to pleasure through play.  

Play “involves non literal make-believe.” Fantasy is a fun way to play where everything is allowed. Start exploring some erotic content to see what kinds of fantasies appeal to you. Then allow your mind to wander… Some of my favorite resources? For visual folks, check out XO Afterglow. For audiophiles, check out Dipsea (for an extended 30 day free trial) or BloomStories. And for folks who like to read: check out The Ripped Bodice. 

Want more from Nicoletta Heidegger?

You can learn more about her practice here, or listen to her podcast here. 

This article, any opinions we share, and any resources including social media and emails from us are not therapy, medical care or professional advice and do not create a patient-client relationship. None of the information, opinions, suggestions, resources or exercises mentioned in this article should be used without clearance from your healthcare provider. If you need emergency mental health or medical help, please call 911 or 988 or go to your nearest emergency center.