Hot pregnancies, births with pleasure, sensual lactations
June Fernandez, Pikara Magazine
Eroticism is present in the experiences of mothers, but it clashes with the coitocentric heteropatriarchal model.
This story was originally published in Pikara Magazine.
“My breasts have not stopped being in the public square, but my body has been totally de-eroticized because I am read as a mother. 'Desire escapes from my lips,' I wrote while pregnant; I felt all flesh, all sex,” musician Ines Osinaga told me in an interview for Pikara Magazine . Brigitte Vasallo already raised something similar in her article 'Desocupar la madre', in which she called for “dynamiting the concept” by which, when we have children, we become “that abstract, depoliticized, de-sexualized and de-socialized thing that is The Mother.”
The archetype of the Virgin Mary is at the origin of this trend, but it is not only rooted in our Judeo-Christian culture. In her novel Las madres no, Katixa Agirre mentions the Greek goddess Athena; Maia, the mother of Buddha; or Coatlicue, the Aztec goddess, who also became pregnant without having sexual relations. The writer wonders where this anti-biological and anti-empirical obsession with virgin pregnancies comes from, and answers that it comes from misogyny.
To understand that pregnancy, childbirth and postpartum are sexual stages, it is necessary to broaden the definition of sexuality.
The essay Vibrant Feminism begins with a trip to Paris by its author, journalist Ana Requena Aguilar , leaving her three-year-old son at home: “I am a mother, yes, and I am traveling alone and I don’t miss and I masturbate and I want to have sex; I imagine lovers on top of me, below me, behind me, in front of me. I am the epitome of sin, of what is wrong, of what does not fit in a woman, at least in the good woman that was invented one day and who is there, in the depths, to confront our small liberations,” she writes.
In the conversation with Pikara Magazine , Requena highlights that this desexualization of motherhood leads us to deny numerous conversations: “With ourselves, with our partners, with health professionals…”. On the other hand, the book has encouraged those close to her to dare to reveal secrets to her, especially those who have had extramarital sexual relations during pregnancy or the postpartum period. “Some have felt guilty, others have felt liberation, but they all know that they have to keep quiet because they have broken the rules of motherhood,” she adds.
“Pregnancy, childbirth and the postpartum period are, in fact, sexual stages,” stresses perinatal psychologist Estitxu Fernández Maritxalar . To understand this statement, in addition to deconstructing the myth of the desexualized mother, it is necessary to broaden the definition of sexuality: it is the capacity that we as human beings have to enjoy. “From the moment we are born we are sexual beings,” she explains. Cultural, family and biographical conditions will be those that construct adult sexuality, so the psychologist stresses that it is not advisable to generalize. The stories that we collect in this report are only a small sample of the diversity of experiences of maternal sexuality. At the same time, they make it clear that both our desires and our experiences clash with the heteropatriarchal model; a rigid model that constrains our sexual freedom.
Dance of hormones and changes in the brain
Nahia Alkorta Elezgarai offers support in parenting through the Sabeletik mundura project. This consultant says that little is said about the role of sexuality in reproductive processes: “Women find it very difficult to say things like 'during pregnancy I had my best sex, the most powerful orgasms'.” Requena agrees that in activities aimed at pregnant women there is a tendency to warn more about the fact that desire may disappear than to talk about possible increases in libido.
At the other extreme, the journalist points to the fetish of the pregnant woman that appears in commercial pornography. In the face of this patriarchal dichotomy (desexualization versus objectification), feminist porn provides other references. María Llopis recommended Pregnant with desire by Madison Young in her article ' Can we imagine a pregnant woman in an orgy?' . The film honors sexual energy during pregnancy; in addition to seeing pregnant women fucking, we will hear their conversations with partners or lovers, including lesbians and queer ones .
During the dance of hormones during pregnancy, the flow of progesterone and estrogen increases: “It may happen that the erogenous zones are more sensitive and that the orgasmic capacity increases,” confirms Fernández Maritxalar. This is what Llopis discovered: “The genital organs swell with this pregnancy, all the blood rushes down there and it is very easy to cum. It is great to fuck a pregnant woman, wow.” But he only satisfied his desire to have relationships outside the relationship through cybersex: “It is not easy to hook up with a pregnant woman.”
In any case, the hormonal dance is better known than the change that occurs in the brain: “We can be much more sensitive, empathetic and vulnerable. It is common for traumatic experiences in childhood to be present. We need unconditional support, to feel that our decisions will be respected,” explains the perinatal psychologist. Ania’s husband did not understand the drowsiness she had during her second pregnancy: “He told me I was lazy. In addition, he insisted on giving his surname to the child. Due to the crisis in the couple, we did not have sexual relations,” she says through tears.
During her second pregnancy, Ania realized that she could enjoy anal penetration more than ever: “It was a wonderful discovery!”
Joana felt her sexual desire boiling over during both of her pregnancies: “I got excited very quickly, I reached orgasm very quickly.” In her opinion, hormones play a role, but the main variable is that she has focused on self-care, leaving stress and anxiety aside. On the other hand, she highlights the comical side of sex during pregnancy: “It can be very fun to find positions with the bass drum! Obviously, the body changes, the muscles, ligaments and bones transform, and the areas that I had to stimulate to reach orgasm also change. Until I realized, I was a little frustrated,” explains Joana. In addition, she had to adapt her practices to the discomforts of pregnancy: back pain and vascular congestion in the vulva, among others. During her second pregnancy, Ania realized that she could enjoy anal penetration more than ever: “It was a wonderful discovery!”
Finally, the sexuality of pregnant people can be conditioned by the shadow of abortion. That has been Ale’s experience: her second attempt at in vitro fertilization was successful, but she had bleeding in the first few weeks. “The gynecologist recommended that I avoid penetration so that we wouldn’t think that, if new complications appeared, it would be a consequence of sexual relations. I stopped bleeding, but I was still afraid.” That is why, more than sex, she enjoyed sensuality during pregnancy. Ale and her non-binary partner practice BDSM , which has provided them with resources to explore pleasures beyond genitalia: “Bondage is not safe, but sensory stimulation, spanking or psychological games are,” she explains. Another adjustment has been that they decided to close the relationship during the first year of parenting.
On the other hand, this queer lesbian has been affected by seeing how pregnancy highlighted her femininity, since until then she had based her sexual attractiveness on masculinity: “It has been difficult for me to feel sexy with this rounded body but, at the same time, it has taught me a new dimension of sensuality.”
The hormone of childbirth and orgasms
Dilation during childbirth is produced thanks to the same hormone that triggers orgasms: oxytocin. Therefore, “masturbating or having sexual intercourse during childbirth has enormous benefits,” says Nahia Alkorta, who hopes that this will become normal at some point. For now, hospital delivery rooms do not offer sufficient privacy. Llopis recalled in an interview that giving birth in pain is a biblical curse that can be deconstructed. “The reality is that sometimes you give birth in pain and other times you don’t. The important thing is that all realities are made visible. It makes me sad that most of the women I have met in my life who have had ecstatic births have not shared it with anyone, sometimes not even with their partners.”
Llopis spoke about this in Marta Busquets ' podcast , together with midwife Ascensión Gómez. The latter compared the moans of orgasms with those of childbirth, a comparison that caused a great stir on social media. Instead of resorting to the mythologisation of orgasmic births, it may be more interesting to spread the word that intimate physical contact and stimulation of erogenous zones (especially the clitoris, of course) can soothe the pain of contractions. The women we interviewed for this report did not explore that path.
Puerperium and coitocentrism
With the delivery of the placenta during childbirth, both estrogen and progesterone levels decrease, and prolactin increases. Consequently, during the first few months, “the mother’s psychological, hormonal and emotional energy will be focused on the baby,” explains Estitxu Fernández Maritxalar.
In the conversation Helen Torres and María Llopis had about motherhood and sex for the book Relatos marranos , Torres said: “The first year I didn’t want to fuck. I couldn’t. At first I got frustrated, I didn’t understand it. When I spoke to other mothers, they would tell me ‘Welcome to the club’. Then I realized that I didn’t want to fuck because I was fucking the baby.”
Fernández Maritxalar cites a study that concludes that, in the first six months, mothers who breastfeed have less sexual desire than those who do not, but then the desire equals out. For Nahia Alkorta, it is dangerous to associate the bond between the baby and the mother with sexuality because it can reinforce the discourses that stigmatize breastfeeding: “Breastfeeding can satisfy women and even cause excitement, but pleasure between adults is different.”
Fernández Maritxalar stresses that the psychological situation of the person who has given birth must be taken into account, “especially if they have had a caesarean section, episiotomy, tear, or if they have suffered obstetric violence.” Alkorta adds that traumatic instrumental births can lead to the trauma being relived during sexual relations.
“After giving birth, I was more connected to my body, but my husband was determined to have sex. This led me to block my libido.”
Ania's first birth was not respected. In addition, due to the episiotomy, she has been left with a vaginal prolapse that she is ashamed of, to the point that she rules out having sex in person with lovers; she limits herself to relationships on the Internet.
The second obstacle can be the partner’s attitude. Many heterosexual women have sexual desire during the first few months, but they don’t want to kiss or caress their partner for fear of penetration. This is how Laia experienced it: “After giving birth, I was more connected to my body, I had an overwhelming sensuality, but my husband was determined to have intercourse. That led me to block my libido.” Shortly after, they divorced.
In Vibrant Feminism , Ana Requena exposes a contradiction: in the sexist imagination, mothers’ bodies appear worn out, they are thought to have lost their capacity for pleasure, but at the same time, they are required to be ready for intercourse as soon as possible. Sometimes it is the demands of men that cause this pressure, but on other occasions the belief that they have to satisfy their husbands once a week is rooted in women themselves. The journalist considers it a sexist myth to represent a sexually frustrated father: “There are many men who do not want to practice penetration because they are afraid of hurting their partner.”
Joana's husband's libido decreased during the postpartum period: "When the couple is involved in raising the baby, sex takes a backseat, both psychologically and emotionally. On the other hand, men who have not prioritized caring continue to express this need." The perinatal psychologist confirms this hypothesis: "Attachment to the baby can raise oxytocin levels and lower testosterone levels in non-pregnant people."
What happens, however, in non-heterosexual couples? Psychologist Sua Fenoll accompanies the reproductive processes of LGTBIQA+ people. She highlights that the subject of sexuality has rarely come up in her consultation: “It is revealing!”. In the lesbian maternity group in which she participates, silence has also reigned when someone has brought up the subject of sex in the postpartum period. Psychologist Paula Alcaide assured in an interview in Pikara Magazine that the tendency towards fusion and symbiosis that occurs in many sapphic couples affects passion and sexual desire. In addition, Alkorta has perceived in her accompaniments to lesbian-parental families that non-gestational mothers feel especially lost, because their figure is not sufficiently recognized in heteropatriarchal society. This identity crisis could affect sexuality.
However, queer mothers, fathers and parents may find it easier to talk to their partners or bonds about sexuality. Ale is grateful for the experience that BDSM has given her: “After giving birth, we put our sex toys on the bed and talked about which ones we felt comfortable with in this new stage,” she explains.
Finally, what about mothers who don’t have a partner? Those who have been with Alkorta tell her that it is very difficult to get a date. In addition to the lack of time and resources, they encounter prejudices and misgivings about their “burden” of care. Requena criticizes this reasoning in Vibrant Feminism : “Mothers are expected to want a man, not to enjoy and get to know each other, but to take on the role of father.”