How to incorporate rope into your sex life

BDSM is more popular than ever, and many kinks are practically mainstream. Head over to BookTok and you’ll find people lusting over masked monsters, or showing off their whip skills. Even so, many folks don’t know where to start when it comes to incorporating kinks into their own bedroom play. 

A 2017 study found “movement restriction” one of the top three kinks, with more than half of survey respondents expressing at least some interest in this fantasy. So where should you start if restraint turns you on? 

First and foremost — consent and safety are paramount in BDSM, and they go hand-in-hand. After all, it isn’t informed consent if you don’t understand the risks involved. 

The more advanced your bondage, the more safety considerations there are. But here are some safety tips for beginners: 

• Never leave someone in bondage alone, even for a minute. When someone is tied up they are your responsibility, and you need to keep an eye on them at all times. 

• Begin your bondage adventure in bed, or on the floor, so you don’t need to worry about falling or tripping. 

• Keep safety sheers/EMT sheers within reach — and be sure to test them on whatever you’re using for bondage to make sure they’ll cut that material. 

Communication plays a huge role in keeping bondage safe, and sexy. (If you’re in the “talking ruins the mood” camp, bondage isn’t for you.) Even if you’re comfortable using safewords, such as “red,” you’re better off using plain language for bondage. For example, if your arms are tied to the bedframe and you say red—what happens? It’s a useful safeword when engaging in an activity that can simply stop, like a spanking. But with bondage, stopping doesn’t make the problem better. Instead, saying something like, “my left arm is going numb,” is much more useful, as your partner can address the problem right away. 

Appropriate check-ins don’t mean asking “are you okay” every couple of minutes. Your communication can match the vibe of the scene you’re trying to create, or any power dynamics you’re playing with. Try whispering, “do you like that?” or “do you want some more?” as a way to check-in while maintaining the mood. 

Although many people use items from around the house for their first bondage experiment, it’s safest to use tools made for the job. Body-safe bondage rope is a little pricey—but it’s worth it. You can start with just one or two pieces to see if you enjoy it, before committing to a whole set. 

If knots intimidate you, remember that rope can be used as a sensation tool. Simply dragging rope across someone's skin can be a thrill, especially when combined with a blindfold which can heighten awareness. You may also experiment with wrapping rope around the body and squeezing, without ever tying the rope off. 

Before you tie your first knot, get some training. Lee Harrington’s Shibari You Can Use is a fantastic primer on the topic, and my own modest e-book can also get you started. If you prefer to learn in motion, YouTube is full of bondage lesson videos, and you can also find online classes from a variety of reputable instructors. 

Adding rope to your sex life doesn’t require going all-in on a BDSM lifestyle. You don’t have to invest in leather or latex outfits, and you can leave the chains at the hardware store. Instead, just try keeping a couple pieces of rope in the nightstand for when you’re feeling frisky.

You can add rope to the sex you’re already having in a number of simple ways. Tying someone “spread-eagle” is a classic for a reason, and can be a great way to start. Or you can keep things even more simple, by only tying the wrists. You can either tie someone’s wrists together,  or attach them (separately or together) to your headboard or bed frame. 

You may be surprised how much more intense everything will feel as soon as a little freedom of movement is taken away. Once your partner is restrained, try simply touching or kissing their body and see how they respond. Many folks have a hard time relaxing and receiving pleasure, and just a little bondage can give someone permission to enjoy themselves. 

When choosing your beginner bondage positions, think about what you’re hoping to do next. For example, if you’re planning penetrative sex, you probably don’t want to tie someone’s legs together. 

The best way to get started with rope is to consider it the cherry on top of the sex or play you’re already enjoying. And if bondage ends up being a big hit, you can always add more rope next time. Eventually maybe rope will be the star of the show!