How to talk (or text) dirty with confidence
Amanda Chatel
Research found the two parts of the hypothalamus that are responsible for pleasure — the preoptic area and the suprachiasmatic nucleus — are stimulated by dirty talk.
One of the sexiest things you can introduce to your relationship is dirty talk. Not only is dirty talk fun and opens up a dialogue about sexual wants and needs, but from a physiological standpoint, it’s good for you, your partner, and your relationship.
According to 2020 research by Research Fellow at The Kinsey Institute and sex educator Justin J. Lehmiller, Ph.D., 91% of people fantasize about someone talking dirty to them, while 49% report thinking about it often. Why? Because it feels good and wakes the body up to sex possibly being on the horizon. Further proof of this feel-good sensation can be found in a 2005 study published in Hormone Research in which the two parts of the hypothalamus that are responsible for pleasure — the preoptic area and the suprachiasmatic nucleus — are stimulated by dirty talk. Medical Daily also reports that dirty talk not only makes your brain go wild, but your body follows suit, becoming physically aroused and ready to go.
"People very much enjoy dirty talking because it activates all regions of your brain while your body is also getting stimulated," licensed mental health counselor Dr. Daryl Cioffi told Medical Daily. "Similar areas of the brain are touched upon during dirty talk as when we curse. So, very often as your brain sees it, the dirtier the better."
But as much as dirty talk can be beneficial to a relationship, the hardest part is being able to do it with confidence.
“If you’re not sure where to start, sharing a sex dream you recently had, telling the story of the first or best time you had sex, or letting [your partner] in on your go-to fantasy are good starting points,” says queer sex educator and journalist Gabrielle Kassel. “Another go-to option is to tell them what you would like to happen if they were here right this second.”
Kassel suggests you really let yourself go with this one, by painting a picture that your partner can see, hear, smell.
“The more adjectives the better,” says Kassel. “Say the colors of the body parts. What noises are people making? What do things smell like? What do they taste like? Get specific. Compare the sensations to other sensations. Use metaphors. When in doubt, describe specifically how the bodies are coming together.”
Kassel also strongly advises that you don’t leave your sex toys out, but incorporate them into your dirty talk, because more sensations means more pleasure to aid in enhancing the scene.
Once you know where and how to start, confidence comes with practice.
"Practice makes perfect," says sexologist Alexa Andre. "Use dirty talk outside of sexual encounters to build comfort. For example, send a suggestive text or whisper something playful during the day. Play with tone and volume. Sometimes, a whispered phrase can be just as powerful as explicit language. If things get awkward or someone stumbles over words, laugh it off and keep going. Dirty talk should be fun and playful.”
For some, it might be easiest to begin your dirty talk journey in bed. With the oxytocin and other feel-good hormones flowing, your guard is down, so it will feel more natural to say all the dirty thoughts in your mind. During sex, the body is flooded with oxytocin, putting the mind and body at peace. You feel relaxed, physical and mental pain are shelved, stress decreases, and feelings of trust and intimacy are heightened, basically giving you the confidence you didn't realize you had.
“If you're feeling shy or if it's not your thing, don’t underestimate the power of vocalizing pleasure,” says Andre. “Moaning, sighing, or breathing heavily are non-verbal ways to communicate that you’re enjoying yourself.” From there, you can eventually evolve from that place and get more specific and explicit.
For some, dirty talk is jarring at first, but like anything, the more you do something, the more inherent it becomes. In no time, your tongue will be dancing in delight at the thought of dirty talk and, according to science, your sexual satisfaction will increase because of it.
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